Credit

I've been struck lately about how little credit for the good things that I give myself.

It seems like I always see the bad, the shortcomings, the parts that are lacking, etc.

What I'm not doing is noticing the good things.  I miss the small steps of progress along the path.  I don't take credit with myself for the small victories in my journey.  I dismiss the good things as bullshit and not genuine.

Funny thing in living like that, I miss out on so much.  I feel like I'm going nowhere when I'm really going somewhere.  I'm not staying in place, I'm moving forward.  I'm not at the end of the line, but I'm sure as shit not at the beginning anymore.

I'm trying to remind myself of the 'wins' every day.  I will take credit for the small steps. 

I AM MOVING FORWARD.

Lost

Been awhile....

I'm working hard on my life.  I'm trying to make the changes and foster the personal growth that's been lacking for the past 42 years.

So why do I feel more lost than ever?

I can't stand my job.  My employer - on a good day - has the mental capacity of a ADHD fourth grader and the organizational skills of a hoarder.  But I cannot just quit.

I don't know what I want to do with my life.  But does that mean I have to suffer through this bullshit?  How come the more changes that I try to make, the more frustrated I become?   The more I read about people's progress and growth, the more I feel like I'm never going to get there.  The more yoga I practice, the more I feel like a fish flopping around in a studio. 

I'm looking for that light at the end of the tunnel and what I'm finding is a complete maze of tunnels and no lights.

Distracted

Holy crap am I distracted lately.  I think that the ultimate tell tale sign of distraction is that I cannot even stay focused long enough to read my ususal, daily self-help articles.

I keep asking myself why is this happening?  What is so pressing and important that it requires my mind to run off constantly?  The real truth is that nothing is that important and I'm allowing my mind to run off. 

Why are the answers so simple yet so hard to do?

Six Months

Today I celebrate six months of sobriety.  It's been both a wonderful and scary journey to get here.

While I have a sense of pride for the accomplishment, I feel that there is so much more that needs to be done.  I've worked hard to wipe away the 'fog' that has clouded my vision on life.  Now it's time to get to work cleaning up the mess that I see in front of me.

I also have to constantly remind myself that the 'one day at a time' approach to sobriety needs to translate into a 'one piece of junk at a time' cleanup.  By working to address small changes and fixes instead of being overwhelmed by the totality of the mess, I can have hope that the mess will go away.  It's just so freaking hard to look at it that way.  I want it to be gone now.  I want the work to deliver bigger, better, and faster results. 

The key thing is that if I don't stop to recognize and appreciate the little steps, the real progress will be lost.

You can't go from zero to sixty without touching every mile per hour in between.  I need to remember that.

Intimacy

I'd do anything for it.

That used to be my thought process when it came to drinking.  Now, it's how I feel about intimacy.  

And what's even more surprising is how my definition of it has changed.  I used to think about intimacy as a physical act.  Now it's so much more.  I can find an intimate moment in a phone call, in a heartfelt and honest email, in a true and honest conversation, and sometimes even in a moment of silence.  That connection that comes with real intimacy is such a powerful thing.  It can literally nourish me, inspire me, and bring happiness to me.

But it is fleeting.  Just like all emotions, thoughts, experiences.  It comes and goes and trying to hang on to it only causes problems.  

But damn, it seems like it's been soooo long since I've felt it and that makes me sad.

Not Moving

Just can't seem to find a 'win' this week.  It seems like I'm going nowhere.

But the interesting thing is that staying where you are at, isn't bad.  I just need to believe it.  That is the very hard part.

It seems like the world is about more.  More money, more accomplishments, more stuff....more more more!!!  It's very hard to sit with myself when I feel still.  When I'm not adding to this silly, meaningless 'scoreboard' in my brain.

Why is that?  Where does that come from?  Hell, right now I just feel better for asking the question.

Openness

I'm struggling and straining and pushing and reaching and worrying and working...and..and....

The one thing that I'm not doing is being open to the fact that all my answers are inside of me.  I try to work so hard to get "there".  When that doesn't happen, frankly, life sucks.  I don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't like where I am.  I want to be anyone but me.

But what if all the answers are really there?  What the solutions to my problems are in me and all the "work" is just stopping me from seeing them? 

That means that I have to stop working so hard and start being open that I have the answers.

Being OPEN....novel concept.  Think I'm going to try that for awhile as all the "work" is really making me feel exhausted.

Acceptance

Why can't I just deal with my life as it comes to me?  Why must I fight and worry and obsess about things that are totally out of my control?

My W-2 came yesterday.  It was less than years past but more than what many people see and, in the times that we live in, at least I have one.  So when I read it over, I got physically ill.  I hated what I saw and wanted to run to my computer and start to work right then (at 7pm on a Saturday).  I could refine my projections, see what customers haven't bought in awhile, come up with a new angle to work, anything to make sure that 2011's W-2 was "better".

I completely took myself out of a good day.  I'd been snowboarding with my wife, played with my dogs, enjoyed a nice home cooked meal....truly was having one of those good days.  It all went away because of a number on a sheet of paper.

I have such an unhealthy relationship with my work.  It needs to be brought back into perspective.  I need to really think about "working to live" and not "living to work".  As I come out of the alcohol and codependent fog, I see that more things need to be looked at in my life.  More work on me, by me, and for me needs to happen. 

Somewhere inside I know that I can do the work and redefine my personal success.  I just have no idea of what that is or where I go to find it.

Maybe acceptance could help?  Accept where I am today.  Take pride in my progress and effort on me.

Accept that good will come and allow it to happen.

Let's Go

After years of being a codependent, alcoholic, biker using fear as my compass in life; I've decided to make some changes.

I had my last drink on August 23rd 2010, I'm seeing a therapist, I've begun a yoga practice, I'm dealing with my workaholic ways, and I'm trying very hard to go vegetarian.

This is going to be my place to share, vent, and potentially educate as I make the transformation that is going to be the rest of my life.