Six Months

Today I celebrate six months of sobriety.  It's been both a wonderful and scary journey to get here.

While I have a sense of pride for the accomplishment, I feel that there is so much more that needs to be done.  I've worked hard to wipe away the 'fog' that has clouded my vision on life.  Now it's time to get to work cleaning up the mess that I see in front of me.

I also have to constantly remind myself that the 'one day at a time' approach to sobriety needs to translate into a 'one piece of junk at a time' cleanup.  By working to address small changes and fixes instead of being overwhelmed by the totality of the mess, I can have hope that the mess will go away.  It's just so freaking hard to look at it that way.  I want it to be gone now.  I want the work to deliver bigger, better, and faster results. 

The key thing is that if I don't stop to recognize and appreciate the little steps, the real progress will be lost.

You can't go from zero to sixty without touching every mile per hour in between.  I need to remember that.

Intimacy

I'd do anything for it.

That used to be my thought process when it came to drinking.  Now, it's how I feel about intimacy.  

And what's even more surprising is how my definition of it has changed.  I used to think about intimacy as a physical act.  Now it's so much more.  I can find an intimate moment in a phone call, in a heartfelt and honest email, in a true and honest conversation, and sometimes even in a moment of silence.  That connection that comes with real intimacy is such a powerful thing.  It can literally nourish me, inspire me, and bring happiness to me.

But it is fleeting.  Just like all emotions, thoughts, experiences.  It comes and goes and trying to hang on to it only causes problems.  

But damn, it seems like it's been soooo long since I've felt it and that makes me sad.

Not Moving

Just can't seem to find a 'win' this week.  It seems like I'm going nowhere.

But the interesting thing is that staying where you are at, isn't bad.  I just need to believe it.  That is the very hard part.

It seems like the world is about more.  More money, more accomplishments, more stuff....more more more!!!  It's very hard to sit with myself when I feel still.  When I'm not adding to this silly, meaningless 'scoreboard' in my brain.

Why is that?  Where does that come from?  Hell, right now I just feel better for asking the question.

Openness

I'm struggling and straining and pushing and reaching and worrying and working...and..and....

The one thing that I'm not doing is being open to the fact that all my answers are inside of me.  I try to work so hard to get "there".  When that doesn't happen, frankly, life sucks.  I don't enjoy what I'm doing. I don't like where I am.  I want to be anyone but me.

But what if all the answers are really there?  What the solutions to my problems are in me and all the "work" is just stopping me from seeing them? 

That means that I have to stop working so hard and start being open that I have the answers.

Being OPEN....novel concept.  Think I'm going to try that for awhile as all the "work" is really making me feel exhausted.